#1: relentless
staying = being relentless
continued existence = being relentless
holding space = being relentless
it’s hailing in chicago, and i want to know what type of oil was mixed with these ashes.
“make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice” psalm 51
#2: days
((duration until something / duration after something))
days since adopting gizmo: 540
days since adopting ari: 330
days since i was hospitalized for an overdose: 971
days on testosterone: 265
days w/out self harm: 51
(relapse / recovery are a spiral road)
days since top surgery: 661
days since first communion: 981
days until seminary: 181
#3: oppress
did christ have off days where they forgot what it meant to be simultaneously divine/human?
#4: truth
daily practice is still something i’m getting the hang of.
saturdays include chaos at work and my shift as a lifeline operator.
i am moving closer to upholding a daily practice, but being gentle when i have an off night.
and need to let my brain and body rest.
#5: wilderness
ordering plant seeds and zines and thinking about intentional community.
paper egg cartons.
the (always unfamiliar) terrain of navigating new relationships.
moving closer to the ground the earth the dirt
is moving closer to god.
reconnecting with muscles body sweat
we are dust and star particles and clay
always gritty raw radish chunks.
earthwaves move (me) please.
#6: holy
i don’t feel particularly holy
i feel broken
and full of (self) doubt
and knowledge that yes, god is feeling this too.
but my doubt feels jagged
and not always beloved.
#7: deliver
grateful to, and for, the community in my spirited work small group.
excerpts from reflections:
“i don’t like admitting to needs – physical, emotional spiritual. i don’t like needing affirmation or community.
having needs makes me feel fragile + vulnerable.
but it feels like true selves are vulnerable selves.
“you are good enough” “you have worth”
HOW DO WE SUSTAIN GOOD WORK.
reframing:: are we looking to / seeking towards the heart of the systems or the heart of god”
#8: ashes
“what do you hope will change for you when prayer is no longer a burden, but something that helps you feel more fully alive and fully loved?”
^^that this doesn’t terrify me.
#9: anxiety
recently i have started taking my as-needed anti-anxiety in the morning with my antidepressant.
a lot of things have shifted for me recently,
and am looking ahead to some challenging next steps,
and politics are wearing on me (and many in my community).
i have a lot of resistance towards this – – not because i carry stigma of meds for others,
but because i still carry it for myself.
and that’s hard to admit.
#10: reconciled
trying to hold faith + doubt + brokenness.
#11: rain
talking about my history with a new person
feels like a lot
and i hope
that
(and i think, that)
god holds me close in those moments.
#12: bless
thinking of beatitudes
and self/community care.
remember that the systems want us to burn out
and we hold more love than that.
#13: covenant
please bring
me close
and hold us.
#14: trouble
feeling like reading dune (litany of fear)
#15: serve
remembering
that You ask us to give up
and let go
the things that keep us from You.
even when it’s hard to.
especially when it’s hard to.
and that You feel that with us.
#16: fruit
i love that one of the main sources of biblical narrative / images is nature, and plants. growing up, we had a garden each year, and in retrospect i wish i was more involved, but i also remember playing outside while my parents tended the garden, and exploring the edges of our property. harvest happened excessively, and we always had an abundance, especially, of cucumbers. my mom made salsa and canned it, and i always had a small herb garden that was overrun with mint. in college i made sure to always have a plant in my dorm room, and the past two years i have kept up my herb gardening inclinations. this year i’m starting many many seeds from scratch, including holy basil, pansies, beans, beets, the list goes on. i think i have space for them all, when they take root. and i hope the roots last and reach upwards.
#17: kill
into Your heart i place my trust that this will not kill my softness.
#18: depths
a bottomless well
a phoenix
unknown octipi
knitting in the round
return/return/return
#19: justified
[[“Justification is being made right with God. Justification sounds like, “You aren’t perfect; you are broken. But it is okay; you are beloved.” Justification feels like, “I forgive you. You and I, we’re good.”]]
#20: deceiver
#21: forgive
what you say: “our bathrooms are single stalled, but gendered – isn’t that funny?”
what i hear:
(after being prodded with the question “where do you put that anger” in regards to not having accessible bathrooms, *without* me showing any anger – i am not going to process that pain / humiliation with a cis straight white man and had already been really cognizant of gender/power balances that were in play all day)
“our bathrooms could easily be made unisex but we aren’t going to put that much effort in”
#22: generation
#23: scatter
#24: commandment
#25: emmanuel
it’s an (imperfect) attempt.
#26: mortal
on sunday evenings, after the church incense settles, and dishes have been done, i volunteer as a crisis line operator. each time, picking up a call, i am reminded of our fragility and our interconnection.
#27: wonders
(i can’t help but gush and be grateful for new relationalities in my life)
#28: river
baptisms
john
wildnerness
submerge
rapids
#29: compassion
attempting to practice compassion towards myself when things take longer than i feel they ‘should’.
#30: calf
i read the verses for this prompt, exodus 32:7-14.
call us closer to you and away from false idols.
remind us of your forgiveness and all-encompassing love.
#31: brokenhearted
#32: arrest
i want to do work that carries me closer to Your heart.
#33: bones
this is the first time i’ve heard the valley of bones reading.
questions we were asked in the sermon:
what does god need your breath for?
and, finish the sentence: “but i know that even now god will ___”
#34: questioning
fearful faith.
flipping tables.
shaky promises.
stone to flesh.
burning palm fronds.
#35: live
#36: fire
#37: land
#38: terror
#39: peace
#40: prophet
#41: justice
#42: judgement
Reed Fowler 